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How to deal with regret and forgive yourself for making imperfect decisions

During the past year, we have had to make consequential decisions, often based on insufficient information and amid unparalleled uncertainty. These conditions are ripe for generating one of the most common emotions that I see in my psychology practice: regret. Many of my patients struggle with the results of pandemic-related decisions. Some regret decisions they made about the care of their aging relatives. Others are haunted by the knowledge that they inadvertently transmitted covid-19 to people they love. Parents who decided to keep their kids at home now feel guilty because their children struggle with mental health issues.

The Importance of Forgiving Oneself

here are strategies to help shift your focus to a better future.

Accept reality and your emotions

 Regret is uncomfortable, so we often try to mentally run away from it. But denial, distraction or suppression  do not work for long- and the pain returns with a vengeance. For example, drinking heavily each evening to drown out your guilt about going on a pandemic vacation that led to your family contracting the coronavirus will amplify the regret in the long run.

Practice self-compassion

 A prominent feature of regret, especially the kind that sticks around, is rumination about all the different ways you could have made a better decision or action. This obsessing can turn guilt (an emotion that stems from believing you did something wrong) into shame (the belief that you are wrong or defective).

Make amends when possible

Accepting reality, and yourself, allows you to face your responsibility and take corrective action. “After you acknowledge what happened, own it, do what needs doing, and seek forgiveness if possible,” said Marine Corps Maj. Thomas Schueman, who teaches courses focused on moral injury, homecoming and belonging at the U.S. Naval Academy, and who led troops in two deployments, losing some of them in action.

Expand your thinking

The pandemic brought extreme uncertainty, danger and the disruption of routines. “When you are scared, your thinking and decision-making are affected. You become more reactive and less deliberate,” said Brach. “And we have all been in a constant state of fear for more than a year.”

Learn from your regrets

Regret provides us with unprecedented opportunities for learning and improving. Roberts recommends always asking yourself, “What can I learn from this experience?” and “How can I do better next time?” regret can reveal what matters to you most and what kind of person you want to be.

By Jelena Kecmanovic