When things go wrong, one of the most common mistakes partners make is blaming each other. Nothing is more destructive to a relationship than pointing fingers at the other when something bad happens and then turning around and saying, “I told you so, but you didn’t listen.”

blame-games not only produce no results but also make both partners resentful. As a result, the problem worsens as each blames the other rather than accepting responsibility and seeking solutions. This is precisely what occurred. The pointing of fingers not only aggravated but also cemented the problem, as there is a lot of hurts involved.

It’s not always easy to persuade people that blame is often part of a never-ending cycle and that the antidote is actually curiosity, connection, and feeling.

However, feeling bad and stuck aren’t the worst of it.

The Real Problem with Blame

The most serious issue is how it affects the person who is being blamed. People are affected by blame in a variety of ways. Individuals who blame others lose status, learn less and perform worse in comparison to others. Particularly… Inaction is caused by blaming. When someone blames, it’s as if they’re relinquishing control of the situation. The implicit message is, “I can’t change until you do.” Their partner holds the key to the solution.

People are disconnected from your values, beliefs, and commitment when you blame them. If the problem is someone else’s fault, you have reason to dig in your heels. You pass up an opportunity to learn, stretch, and challenge yourself. You might miss an opportunity to change your way of thinking or acting, or an opportunity to be completely honest: by sharing your fear, disappointment, or sadness in a heartfelt way.

True change is stifled by blame. Blame appears to be widespread and ongoing. If you see your partner as unconcerned, you will miss the small gestures of concern she provides. Small gestures of affection and respect are not visible if you see him as indifferent. You don’t see your partner’s efforts – however sporadic – to do the task well if you see them as lazy. And if you can’t see the concern, respect, and effort, you can’t acknowledge it. And if they are not acknowledged, they begin to fade.

Why We Blame

Blaming appears to be ingrained in our thinking. A phenomenon known as “fundamental attribution error” exists in social psychology. When someone behaves in an unfavorable way, we tend to blame it on bad will rather than bad circumstances.

Assume your partner is running late for dinner. According to research, you are more likely to think, “She doesn’t care” than “traffic must have been terrible.” Imagine coming home from a long day’s work to find your house in a state of disarray. According to statistics, you’re more likely to think, “He’s not trying” rather than, “The kids must have kept him busy today.”

How to Stay Out of Blame

There are numerous ways to break free from the blame cycle. I assisted Joan and Andrew in owning a small part of the problem, becoming comfortable with apologies, and asking themselves difficult questions.

1. Accept responsibility for a portion of the problem. When you are being criticized, take a few moments to acknowledge your part in the problem, no matter how minor. If “he doesn’t do his share,” can you see how bringing it up on a daily basis contributes to his digging in his heels? Can you see how a small comment you made helped set off the spark if she “blows up over nothing”?

2. Apologies can be extremely effective and trying to disarm. “If that’s how you see it, I can see why you’d be upset.” I’m sorry that happened in that manner.” The mood improves when you can stretch and see your partner’s point of view. There is more room for discussion, feelings, and new ideas. And, ironically, you’re much more likely to succeed.

3. Pose difficult questions to yourself. I assist my clients in “trying on” new ways of thinking. I question their explanations (“He doesn’t care/She won’t listen”) and look into new possibilities (“Perhaps he does care. Maybe she’ll pay attention.”).

Try asking yourself these questions the next time you’re stuck in a conversation. They can assist you in shifting your perspective, breaking free from the infinite negative loop, and taking a new course of action. As a starting point, consider the following difficult questions:

• What can I do that is independent of what my partner says or does?
• Can I discuss my personal experience without blaming my partner?
• Can I be interested in my partner’s experience even if I disagree?
• Is it possible for me to let go of the need to be right?